


A Day In The Life

by symbioticSimplicity



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I'm slowly getting better with character voices don't mind me, Meteorstuck, Multi, Smut, Trollstuck, Xeno, but later on that, dubious troll biology, everybody lives and nobody dies, i don't know what I'm gonna do with this but it's gonna be a hell of a ride, multipule pov, timelines what timelines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:56:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4076947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/symbioticSimplicity/pseuds/symbioticSimplicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is messing around with things and flips a switch he shouldn't have. The other kids decide, hey, why not be trolls for a day? But some peculiarities stick and make things a whole lot more complex than anticipated.</p><p>Or otherwise titled I Wanted To Do Troll Stuck And Fuck With The Rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John: Wreck It

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a thing.

 

 **John:** Mess up Big time

>You're not John, thank fucking God.

 

 **Karkat:** Freak the fuck out

>Okay.

The first one was an accident. John, that pitiful fuck, managed to hit _just_ the wrong combination of buttons on some ectobiological thingy you gather made your human ‘palhonchos’.  When he’d first walked in you’d almost fallen the fuck over from the sudden utter _inundation_ of needs that bitch slapped you in the metaphorical face.

John as a troll was…fuck. For lack of any better term, he was beautiful. Beauty isn’t really even a thing in your species but here was this bastard, creating a new standard. Even the others who _didn’t_ have a debatable thing for him made that soft little crooning noise that’d tip off any _real_ troll. Equius was bright fucking blue by the time John finished explaining.

With a look so pitiful it took every single bit of self-control present in paradox space for you not to rush over and kiss him senseless, John had explained what he’d done.

“I’ve been trying to figure out the other few functions in the machine that created us. Curiosity I guess, haha. Um, there’s at least two other genetic variation sequences in there, troll obviously and something else I couldn’t decrypt. Surprise surprise, aiming the machine at yourself? Not the best move.”

You wanted to argue that it was in fact the best move, the very best, but you kept your gob shut.

“Aaaand now I’m a troll! Well for however long it takes me to figure out how to do the thing and fix it.”

Everyone had nodded, seeming to need a moment to adjust to the fact that there was now a way to hop between species. You could think of one dead greaser who’d die again to have that kind of ability.

“Dude.” Dave had spoken up, “You stopped to look in a mirror yet bro?”

John’s expression had fallen and he’d kind of made a face no real troll would be caught dead making.

“Ha, I uh, I guess not. Do I look weird?”

“No, dude you look… okay no homo here I’m gonna take one for the team since everyone else is thinking it. You look sexy as hell.”

Blue blood-of course the fucker would be a blue blood-flooded his cheeks and he awkwardly scratched the back of his head, wincing when he remembered he had claws.

“Don’t be an asshole Dave.” He got out while managing to look like he wanted to sink straight through the floor.

Dave shrugged and de-captchalouged a mirror, tossing it at John who caught it more out of reflex than anything. He stared at his hand for a moment like the thing had betrayed him in some ignoble way. Then he looked in the mirror and gasped.

Ah yes. John fucking Egbert with his long horns which swept back against his head like a crown, gentle and curving like a breeze (haha), and his eyes with their _ridiculous_ lashes now flecked with blue so vivid it had to have been made with even more shades than his human eyes were. His teeth, while no less monstrous than before were mostly straight and nearly as shark-like as a sea dweller’s. His grey skin was smooth unlike it’s human counterpart and swirled with a slightly lighter grey that was exceedingly rare to find in an Alternian troll yet somewhat common in the Beforus type. His claws came to perfect points and on long fingers like his they looked even more like weapons. Like most land trolls his legs had a slight backward bend which led to clawed feet which resembled paws more than their human equivalent. Karkat remembered their legs had been likened to those of an Earth mountain goat with a dash of wolf, and he supposed they functioned similarly as well. With the little boost from that anatomical difference, John had also become taller and held himself with a sort of grace that his human equivalent didn’t.

“Holy sh—” And the mirror in his hand shattered as his hand tightened a fraction more.

“Dude.” Dave had responded once John had stopped staring in even more horror, “I liked that one.”

John’s jaw had flapped uselessly until Equius had swooped down like a horse-riffic guardian angel.

“I do believe that John possesses the same gene as I do.” He said quickly and decisively, still blue in the face and now sweating a little.

“You mean the super strength thing?” John’s eyes widened before he nodded, “That would make sense as the troll equivalent of man grit I guess.”

Equius smiled at him- _smiled_ -and took the broken heap of mirror from his fingers with his usual delicacy, “You will need to learn to control that while you are Troll, lest you go around destroying everything.”

“Sounds good. Er, since you’ve got it too, would you mind teaching me?”

His smile widened and you could have broken his other horn with your rage from across the room.

“Of course, please follow me.” He extended John a hand and you just barely bit down a growl.

“Well.” Dave said to the stunned room as they’d walked off, “If that wasn’t the weirdest shit.”

___________

“I for one think it’s quite interesting.” You overheard Rose saying at the gathering that constitutes dinner for your ragtag crew, “A learning experience if nothing else. I won’t deny I’ve been curious as to the particulars of living as another species.”

You don’t think Kanaya is ever going to go back to her normal shade of blinding white ever again.

“You thinking what I’m thinking ectosis?” Dave gives her a shrewd grin.

“I do believe we are thinking along similar lines, yes.” Rose answers back with her usual slightly condescending smile.

“I want in too.” Jade abruptly pops out of nowhere to join them, in her usual fashion.

You can’t deny you laugh when Dave flinches.

“So you’re going to become trolls?” You ask, “Just like that?”

“Think of it as a sort of trial run.” Rose is the one to answer, of course she is, “If we enjoy ourselves we could always decide to become trolls fully. If not we can always change back. You could all even do the same with being human.”

That makes you blink for a moment. That thought hadn’t crossed your mind.

“And be a fragile sack of decaying meat? No thank you.” You reply earning yourself a shrug from Rose.

“I’m a little excited.” Jade says with a bright grin like the sun of your home planet, “It’s going to be such an adventure! I’ve wondered what we’d all look like as trolls and gosh John was so handsome!”

“Guess that means I’m going to be troll Adonis.” Dave says in that cocky way only he seems to have, “If Egderp is suddenly a super model then I should be the most fly motherfucker ever to wear grey skin.”

You thank God Kankri isn’t here because that one sentence alone would have launched him into doubtlessly the longest speech about triggers this side of the Veil. You also resolutely pray he never meets Dave Strider and if he does that you aren’t there. You hate yourself but not that much.

“I personally think we’ll all make fetching trolls. As I believe you all would make lovely humans. With the distinct exception of Sollux. I’ve seen quite a few humans similar to him already and they did not make the most endearing impression at all.”

You almost want to stand up for Sollux but it’d be a bit disingenuous considering you’re mostly not sure if you like the guy either.

In the end, the three soon-to-be-not humans take their leave to the ecto lab and you decide to head to your block out of an extreme lack of other options.

 

**Karkat: Be Dave**

 

You are now Dave and you are currently watching your two friends set up this wicked ass machine that’s got a name like a grammatical nightmare. Even with your way with words you couldn’t say it if you tried so you don’t. Although you might butcher the pronunciation later for ironic purposes.

Rose and Jade work over the thing like they’ve been doing it all their lives. But you guess with the two smartest girls in the multiverse on the job, it _would_ look like child’s play. Although technically since you’re all under age, it _is_ child’s play.

“There!” Jade declares, “We figured out how to rig it the opposite way too. John, lovable dork that he is, forgot there’s a reversal switch exactly for accidents like those!”

“Now all that’s left is to decide who goes first.” Rose crosses her arms and looks between you and Jade. You hate it when she does that, like she already knows exactly how the story plays out but still has to make sure it gets there. You hate it because that’s _exactly_ what she’s doing.

“Rock paper scissors?” Jade suggests and you nod, playing right into Rose’s prophetic hands.

You win and Jade loses.

“Cool, alright. Let’s fire up this thingy and take me to troll town. I’m gonna walk up in this bitch like the coolest son of an alien bug woman ever to be hatched. They’re not gonna know what to do so naturally they’ll just start erecting statues to my majesty and like sectioning off ground like ‘Troll Dave Strider walked here it is officially a land mark please stay twenty feet back or you’ll get blasted by pure unadulterated cool’.”

“Dave,” Rose says, putting a hand on your shoulder, “You’ll be just fine, relax.”

It makes your skin crawl, the way she sees right through you like that.

Truth be told, as cool as being a troll for a minute sounds, it’s freaking you the fuck out. You’ve never been anything but human. You’ve seen the physical differences and you’d never say it out loud under pain of death by Con Air, but trolls are fucking hells of cool. There’s so much their bodies can do that you’d break your ass trying.

But what about the mental shit? You don’t want to get all quadranty or whatever just cause someone is nice to you. That shit’s weird as hell and honestly more than a bit freaky.

But you’re Dave Strider and you do not bow to challenges. Even when-especially when-backing down is the smarter option.

“Beam me up Scotty.” You say.

“THROW THE SWITCHES!” Jade shouts, finishing with her best mad scientist laugh.

Okay, you’re going to have to talk to her about her bedside manner because that was all kinds of not cool. Also the tingly feeling and the slight bit of, kinda weirdness all over your body is also not cool. You feel like… well you don’t really have a metaphor for suddenly changing species but it feels invasive.

When the tingling stops you look down at your hands and sure as shit they’re grey and topped off with those colorful claws. Wow your hands look imposing as fuck. You could hold up a bank with these fuckers, your mitts would scare a bear to be fair. Ha, nice.

Your head suddenly feels heavier on your shoulders, but it’s probably the horns. Your muscles don’t seem to mind the new strain which is probably because that’s what they’re made for.

“Dave,” Rose says and her tone catches your attention, “I don’t know how to tell you this but you’re…you—”

“You look good Dave!” Jade blurts.

Rose’s expression sours, “You simply had to ruin my fun didn’t you?”

Jade cackles again and swings herself down to the machine while you lightly punch Rose’s shoulder.

“You’re an asshole Rose.” You scoff. You nearly serrate your tongue. Right, fangs.

“I learned from the best brother dear.” She smiles back.

You try to watch as Jade sets up the machine for the next round but your eyes keep focusing on every microscratch on your shades. You didn’t think they _had_ any scratches until now but apparently toll eyes are sharper than human ones. No wonder John hadn’t been wearing his glasses. But you can’t take off your shades, no way. You’re just doing to have to deal with the crazy out of focus nonsense your eyes are doing.

“Jade,” You say before she FLIPS THE SWITCHES, “Take off your glasses. You won’t need them.”

She makes a face but follows your instructions before she fires up the machine, nodding to Rose to do the thing. You try to watch, but even with your shades, the light is way too bright for your troll eyes.

You look back up when you hear the, “Ohohoho!”

Jade looks bangin. There’s no way around that. Her horns are a lot like the dog ears she was sporting, except that they lean forward a little bit, curving like they would if she were excited. They’re broad and thick and frankly impressive.

“Nice rack.” You say to her and watch understanding slowly bloom on her face in the form of a shrewd smile.

“You too.”

Oh yeah, you’ve got to check those babies out. They’re half the reason you did this, the other half being to fuck with Karkat. He’d looked like he’d about died when John walked in, and unlike your best friend _you_ were willing to poke that button.

Jade continued to examine herself as Rose set up the final sequence. You’re starting to get a headache from the constant focusing and unfocusing of your eyes. Once you’ve seen Rose you’re totally running back to your room and taking them off. No one is ever to know.

“Alright!” Jade says eagerly, bouncing over to the controls, “Lets finish this!”

Rose gracefully walks over to the pad and surprise surprise you’ve learned to read her too. She’s standing even straighter than usual and her shoulders don’t roll with their usual ease, like she’s bracing for impact. You catch her picking at her skirt. She’s nervous but she’s also excited. Seeing the two of you and all your glory probably helped with the excited part.

“Ready when you are, Dr. Harley.” A smile tugged at the corner of Rose’s mouth.

Jade cackled, straight up unironically cackled, when she tossed the switch this time. Both you and Jade look away as light envelops Rose.

“Oh.” She breathes when the light show dies down.

She’s a seadweller. Holy fucking shit your ecto-sister has _fins._ Like life wasn’t weird enough. She’s also got these tall ass thin horns that curve up to form this elegant open oval and they suit her so well that the hair color change hardly even registers for a second. She looks like she was born to be a troll and you’d contemplate being jealous but she just moved and that set off something entirely different in your head.

There’s some part of you that is more than humanly freaked out by her, something that says ‘DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER, GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE SON, MOVE.’ You don’t realize you’re growling until Jade echoes the noise and you both stand as straight as Rose is.

“Troll instincts,” You start to say, “Are fucking weird.”

Seriously though, it’s just Rose. She’d never hurt either of you, unless it’s your ego during a really intense connect four match. All the same there’s a part of your brain that’s absolutely fucking buzzing and it takes effort to calm it down.

Rose holds up her hands demurely and the need to run rackets down another peg, enough for you to breath and shake it the fuck off.

“Not a threat,” She says and her _voice_ , “Just mildly threatened as well. I don’t think I fancy being growled at.”

Jade rushes forward and hugs Rose. Right, she would be more used to weird ass instincts with the dog thing and all. They’re making up and you’re taking a second to wrap your brain-or pan you guess- around the thing Rose’s fucking voice just did. Apparently you’re the only one that noticed but it sounded like a pure burst of ‘sit the fuck down and lick my boots’ to you. Holy hell is that what the whole Highblood versus lowblood thing is about because if so you can get behind being pissed off about getting hit with that kind of mojo all the time.

“I’m uh, I think I’m gonna go get acquainted with my bad self in my room for a bit.”

Rose flashes you a quick look but doesn’t say anything and despite her confusion over your sudden dramatic ass departure Jade waves goodbye. You all but run up the stairs.

You make it back without running into anyone, which is a fucking miracle-not the juggalo kind Jesus no-all it’s own. The first thing you do is go look in the mirror of your adjoined bathroom.

“Holy fucking shit I’m Troll Satan.” You breathe.

You certainly look like it. You’re so used to seeing your white blonde hair that it hadn’t really occurred to you how fucking weird it was that it stayed that color even after the troll-erizing ray. That alone is just plain weird. But then there’s your horns and sweet Jesus there is no one on the entire meteor that’s hung like you. They’re still adolescent sized but proportionally they’re _huge._ They curve back in this giant arc that comes nowhere near your almost snowy white head. They honestly look like the devil’s horns good fucking god, they’re thick too. No wonder your neck aches a little. Unlike most troll horns you’ve seen, they aren’t smooth. They’ve got these little ridges along them like a big horned sheep. Oh my fuck they’re so cool.

You stand staring at yourself, enamored with your new kickass visage for a while until there’s a knock at your door. Your ear flicks over to the sound and it sharpens. So that’s what that’s like.

You trot over and answer the door without hesitation because when you look like as much of a badass as you do right now, why wait?

That it’s Karkat at your door isn’t much of a surprise. The dude looked ready to cream himself when the rest of you decided to try out trolldom. Out of all of your friends, you’re the most likely to give him the time of day past the one sentence terse bullshit that passes for conversation between him and the girls.

“What’s up Karkles? Came to check out the results?” You smirk a little, leaning against your doorway.

He gives you this look that you wish you could bottle and keep forever. It looks like he’s seen both heaven and hell and got ring side seats to the end of days. Actually no, that’s happened and he _still_ didn’t look like this.

“You’re a… you’re a…” He stutters.

“Badass motherfucker, yes I am. I mean more so than usual.”

He shoves you into your room and slams the door.

“Ow! Buy a guy dinner first Kar, do you guys not have dates on your planet? Or manners? Jesus.”

He’s pacing and you’re starting to think this is less funny and more terrifying. You can take a joke, Egbert has put you through your paces and for that matter so has Bro, but Karkat sucks at jokes and his face doesn’t look kidding at all.

“You gonna explain your freak out man, or are you gonna walk a hole into my floor?” You ask in perfect deadpan.

Karkat looks up at you and, _oh_ okay no that’s a look you could have lived without. He looks like a man who’s seen his own tomb stone.

“You need to change back right the hell now Strider.” He says and for once he isn’t yelling and you think it’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen, “You’re a fucking albino.”

You don’t mean to laugh. You really don’t. You’ve actually purposefully avoided laughing around Karkat, or anyone at all really, cause you’ve got this wheezy thing you do that’s totally not cool and there’s no way to claim a laugh as ironic even by your skewed standards. Not to mention the occasional snort and really it’s just better not to laugh around people.

But you can’t help it. He really got you all wound up, just to tell you something you damn well already knew. Maybe he was kidding and he was just better at it than you were prepared to give him credit for. If so the angry little nerd is getting the most enthusiastic high five you can possibly give him.

“Why in the FUCK are you laughing Strider!” He shouts, “I’m serious!”

“Dude,” You say when you manage to suck down a breath, “I don’t know if you didn’t notice, but I’ve always been an albino. Jesus Christ man, why else would I be so fucking pale? I know you haven’t seen my eyes but those too, weird ass fucking color.”

Karkat frowns even deeper, “I get that you goddamn humans are fucking weird with who you cull, but how the hell you made it to adolescence will be the greatest fucking mystery I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m going to take ‘Weird Ass Differences Between Troll and Human Culture’ for five hundred Alex.”

Karkat makes another one of those faces and talks through his teeth, “On Alternia Albinos are cause for immediate culling, no exceptions. They’re a mutation like me, but much more fucking dangerous.”

“Do I shoot laser beams from my eyes because I’m not gonna lie that’d be sick.”

“Wha—shut the fuck up Strider! Jegus fuck you’re such a fucking wiggler I swear! No! Albinos don’t fall within the hemospectrum at all, whitebloods. I don’t know much since the Condece killed all of the ones on Alternia, but evidently if one were ever to challenge her and win they could take over the fucking empire. None of them ever got past wrigglerhood, but the older they get the stronger they get until even against her it wouldn’t be a fair fight.”

“So basically I’m the pimp daddy of trolls and you want me to go back to being a human because it freaks you out?”

“Yes! I mean no, I mean—fuck! Why can’t you just listen to me you nooksniffing fuckwit!” 

“If I’m as badass as you say I am, wouldn’t it be easier to win the game with me like this?”

Karkat opens his mouth to argue but growls instead, “That’s cheating.”

“Like Lord Asshole hasn’t been cheating since before we started.”

“Fucking A Dave you can’t just flip species because you’re stronger as a troll! Besides don’t you _like_ being encased in rotting meat?”

You resist the urge to squinch up your face at the presented mental image, “Ew, dude, that’s totally not what it’s like. That’s like some Lady Gaga shit and she’s one in a no-one-else-in-the-human-race-would-ever-do-that-shit.”

“You’re still missing the fucking point jackass, you have to change back!” Karkat growled.

“Why? It’s not like anyone on the meteor is a Condie fan.”

Karkat sighs and rubs his hands over his face like he’s so put out by even breathing the same air as you. Well tough tits, you’re about on the same page.

“It’s not voluntary dick lick, it’s something everyone gets etched into their hindbrain really early in pupation. It didn’t happen to me because I’m already a mutant so the self-preservation bit canceled it out. Everyone else has a strict ‘Kill the mutant’ policy. And with hair like that there’s no fucking way to hide you.”

“Then how in the hell did you get this far without everyone trying to kill _you_?”

“Caution, bulgemunch! It’s called caution! The only one to know about me was Gamzee and that shit wasn’t fucking willingly either! The others slowly found out because in a Game like this it’s impossible not to bleed. The only reason I’m still breathing is because there are so few trolls left right now that even a mutant is better than losing one of us.”

The blast of self-loathing in that whole speech hits you like a freight train and suddenly you feel like the world’s biggest asshole. It is you. You know Karkat isn’t chill with himself, anyone who yells that much has got something else behind it. You know there’s a thing about his blood that’s apparently weird, the others have told you as much whenever there’s been a fight and he’s dragged himself back injured and not a single one of them has lifted a finger to help him. You didn’t know it was this big a deal though.

And then there’s you, in a completely different position, but a mutant all the same. You can change back. You have another option. You haven’t had to suffer the way he has and even if you did, you’d have had a greater purpose. It’s gotta feel like you’re spitting on him.

All this self-awareness fucking sucks a giant mega dick.

“Karkat,” You say and you’re careful with your tone, letting a little something like kindness peak through, “I get where you’re coming from man. It’s gotta suck like a two dollar whore to have some dumbass human walk up with this cool ass mutation and totally disrespect the struggle that goes hand in hand with it.”

He looks floored so you must’ve hit the nail on the head.

“But if it raises our chances of winning this thing, I’m gonna keep it. You can rain down any hell you can think of to make up for me missing out. Flying monkeys, mouth wasps, locusts, whatever floats your retribution boat. Fuck you can even get the others to join in man, I can take it.”

A low sound like a snarl builds in his chest and you’ve got a sneaking suspicion that your human self wouldn’t have been able to hear it. It’s lower that you knew sound could go and his face is curled up in a snarl.

“You are such a fucking asshole you know that?” He says but you catch just a hint of admiration.

“It’s a gift.” You shrug.

With that you finally slip off your glasses because Karkat or no Karkat they’re killing you and oh holy shit you can see. Well look at that.

It’s like seeing the world in double HD, whatever the fuck that means. You can make out almost every detail of everything and while it’s cool as shit, it’s also giving you vertigo. Fuck that noise, you close your eyes.

When you open them again, Karkat has made himself at home on your bed. It’s a lot easier to look at things this time around now that you know what you’re in for.

“What color were your eyes before?” He asks, resolutely not looking at you.

“Red.” You say and then after a moment, “Same shade as yours.”

He glances over at you and hey, yep the exact same shade. God you caught so much shit for them before you leaned to never take off your shades. Once you got past the hurt that it all came with you’d turned it into a game with stamps on a sheet of paper. Any time your shades slipped or something unforeseen like a basketball to the face happened, you kept a tally of all the things you got called. ‘Devil Child’ and ‘Freak’ had tied for the top spot.

“They’re still red.” He replies, interrupting your jog down Nostalgia Boulevard, “Really obvious when the rest of your iris is white.”

“Holy shit, that’s cool as fuck.” You say, glancing over towards the still open bathroom.

The way a normal troll’s iris started off grey, your’s are white as a dove. Karkat was right you really couldn’t have hidden yourself if you tried. No wonder Albinos were so easy to pick off.

For some reason that lights a fire right in your belly. You’re not usually the rebel with a cause type but the more you learn about trolls the more it pisses you off. You’ve felt a similar ire over humans and all the discriminatory bullshit, but at least there were rules in place to try to stop it. At least mostly you realized it was wrong even if a lot of people didn’t. But trolls, for all their advancements and cool ass features, still hadn’t gotten to that point. A lot of it was Scratch’s fault yeah, but still there ought to be some people who stood the fuck up and refused to take it.

You’re growling again and again you might not have noticed if Karkat hadn’t reacted. He’s bearing his teeth right back at you, less like a smile and more like a challenge. Does he think… of course he thinks you were growling at him, why wouldn’t he? Now he’s growling back and it echoes deep in your rib cage in a way you never knew you wanted. Your mood does a hella sick 360 kick-flip with a little bit of rail grinding action.

“Still not sure about all the little troll-isms,” You say, shifting your posture into something a little more grounded, like you’re expecting an attack, “But to me that looks like you want to fight.”

He narrows his eyes and his expression is somehow patronizing while still managing to be hostile in the most basic way.

“Give the wiggler a fucking gold star.” He grinds out and fucking hell how did you never notice how his voice sounds like a trash compactor?

“Careful Karkles, your hate-boner is showing.”

He scoffs, “Shut the fuck up. I’ve wanted to fight a whiteblood since I was little, nookstain. That it happens to be you just kills two flapbeasts with one mineral deposit.”

“I’m so touched man I’m really gonna cry.” You say and suddenly you’re circling one another.

You’ve always enjoyed the thrill of a fight. You love to let your body do the thinking and push yourself to the very edge of your capabilities. You could never say no to a strife even if it were under some twerked up circumstances such as fighting a puppet. But now, with this body you can already feel how good this is going to be.

Your troll body is stronger than your human one, but you’ve never really relied on strength to pull out the W. No way you’d ever over power Bro at all ever, not even, apparently, when you’re grown up. No, you’re fast instead. Fast moving, fast thinking, fast to victory. And it looks like your troll body is outfitted for that too, the first time Karkat strikes you’re gone so fast you actually leave a ghost image.

Fucking rad.

Those weird ass goat legs actually let you propel yourself instead of just running like you usually do. You can flashstep like a goddamn boss right now and it makes your blood sing in your veins. Oh hell to the yes.

Karkat growls at you but he’s a quick learner too which, if he weren’t he probably wouldn’t still be alive. He regards you with those cunning red eyes and despite what you’d think by knowing the guy, he doesn’t charge straight for you. Instead he straightens up out of his crouch and waits for you to come to him.

Oh my god that’s such a fucking pissy thing to do Jesus Christ you want to punch him for it. You don’t because racing into such an obvious trap is stupid as fuck, but God do you want to. Smug little nubby shithead.

“Come on Karkles, neither one of us is gonna get anywhere just standing here.” You try to needle him.

“No fucking shit, Strider.” He grins, honest to god grins at you, “Come at me bro.”

Okay, yeah it’s stupid but after a taunt like that you can’t _not._ But at least you’re smart about it when you rush him, you don’t do it head on. You flashstep out of view and come at him from the side, claws first. But the little fuck is ready for you, and his hand meets yours stopping it just short of his throat. Wow wow wow, he’s been holding out on you. You’ve seen him naked more often than you ever want to remember so you know he’s actually pretty stacked beneath that giant sweater. Not all muscle but enough to be dangerous. And fuck all if he isn’t using it now.

His face is a little more strained than usual but he’s matching you tit for tat. Actually no, fuck that, he’s _pushing you backwards._ Slowly but surely, he’s bending your arm back and this is exactly why you don’t fight with muscle alone.

You throw a swift kick at his ribs but he just doesn’t seem bothered. At this rate he’s gonna break your fucking arm. Who in the hell gave this petulant little fuck whistle the right to be so _goddamn strong holy hell._ He doesn’t have the gene that Equius does, the fucker _worked_ for this. Suddenly you can’t help but admire him in a weird ‘let go of my goddamn arm you temperamental meathead’ kind of way.

“Come on Strider.” He growls, “We both know you could knock me on my ass, quit holding back bulgelicker.”

Hey no wait, he’s totally right. Let’s get creative!

Since there’s not a chance in hell you’re going to be able to pry him off your arm, you decide to climb him instead. You get one leg thrown up over his shoulder and around his neck, his throat fitted right up against the back of your knee nice and snug. You can see the confusion on his face. That’s right bitch, Dave Strider is one flexible motherfucker.

When you were little, Bro insisted that you take dance lessons. At the time you thought it would be hella ironic so out of all the styles he’d given you the choice of, you picked ballet. Turns out ballerinas ball like no other motherfucker on the scene and the lessons had actually improved your muscle tone as well as letting you unleash a brisè so devastating it brought all the dance moms to tears as well as leveled a small town.

Anyway, ballet has been an unforeseen and yet extremely useful fighting tool. Weaponized ballet. You can almost hear the distant cheering of proud Russians and the clinks of shots of vodka.

You pop up onto your toes, the very tips of them. Your troll toes aren’t used to this and a flare of pain races up your leg. But fuck pain in the ass, you’ve got a shouty troll to beat.

You use the little bit of spring in your troll legs and to lend yourself the momentum to hook your leg up around the other one and suddenly Karkat is holding the weight of your entire body with one arm.

You’ve gotta give him props, dude holds out for a whole thirty seconds before he drops. He goes down with this strangled scream like a cat caught in a car door.

Ground fighting isn’t your favorite thing to do but fuck if that means you’re not good at it. You’re in a pretty strong position already what with the arm bar and all, but you’re sure that with just a little hip wiggling you could probably choke him out with your legs too.

But then you wiggle your hips to do that and it all goes down hill from there.

Your troll instincts, previously quiet since you’d been doing just fine on your own you guess, pick right the fuck then to assert themselves. You go from ‘haha eat shit Karkat’ to ‘yeah suck my bulge’ in five seconds with no in between, do not pass go do not collect two hundred dollars.

Fucking fuck munchers, fighting doesn’t make you this hot until at _least_ the third round and even then it’s not like this. Which fuck this and everything it stands for. You’re sure you don’t like Karkat that way, and you don’t hate him that way either. How do trolls even say hi to one another without going off to bone?

His arm between your legs flexes and oh my stars and garters if that isn’t simultaneously the best and worst thing you’ve ever felt. You want to bone Karkat, you do. Right now in fact, if the party in your pants is any indication.

Nope. You let go of his arm and roll backwards instead, hoping distance will help. But nah, Karkat is on you like a plague, all snapping teeth and thin little claws that puncture your now thicker skin. You’re sure you’re bleeding but with the furious ball of nub straddling your waist you haven’t got time to dwell on it. Fuck you wish he’d stop rocking back like that.

In the end, you’re distracted but not stupid. Karkat clearly isn’t used to ground fighting and he’s got several nice little openings that allow you to roll him and pin his ass to the floor. Something you could have done five minutes ago if your bulge had shut the fuck up.

You’re both breathing hard and when you look down at him, his pupils are narrowed to cat-like slits and you’re sure your’s are probably much the same. His hair is plastered to his forehead and he’s still baring his fangs like he might be able to salvage this, stubborn little shithead that he is.

“Best two out of three.” His growl has softened marginally.

“No can do man, I’m cutting you off from the Strider. It’s an addiction, can’t you see what it’s doing to you? We’re all so worried about you.”

“Haha, fuck off.” He glares, and you want to kiss that look right the fuck off his face.

You can’t help noticing the way his teeth, duller than yours, barely skim his bottom lip. Lips that look very plump and inviting and smooth. Shit you’re staring.

“Are you going to sit on me all day? You’re fucking crushing my blood filter.” He huffs, but any real anger is gone. It looks like…is he blushing?

You adjust your hips a little and, oh, yep he’s definitely blushing. SS Bad Idea is leaving the dock.

“You sure you want me off? Seems like you’re having fun with me right where I am.” You give him the barest hint of a smirk.

Even in this regard it seems you can play Karkat like a track hot off the rack, spinnin and scratchin him every which way to get just the sound you want.

“Fuck you Strider it’s a natural response! You’re practically throwing spades at me fuckwad! You think I can’t feel you wrigging up against me too?”

Aaaand just like that you’re blushing too. Fuck.

“Yeah, so you wanna do something about it?”

He lifts an eyebrow, his expression otherwise non-existent like he finds your idea so utterly idiotic that he can’t even summon the wherewithal to get pissed like usual. Actually it’s a really condescending look and you’d like to never see it again wow fuck off.

“Don’t fucking look at me like that asshole,” You follow up with, “It’s a simple yes or no question, hold the sarcasm eggs over fuck you.”

He growls again and this one is less like the fight noises he was making a minute ago but it still makes you want to punch him where the sun don’t shine. What is it with this kid? Every time you tried to be anything other than an antagonist dickball at him, he got pissy as shit.

“You know what? Fuck it.” He snarls and leans up into you and just like that you’re kissing.

Holy shit. You’re kissing Karkat.

You freeze for half a second more before you kiss him back and then it’s like a mongoose and a cobra-obviously you’re the cobra here-trying to rip one another up. It’s messy and there’s more teeth than lips and you are amazingly fine with that. Oh ho ho are you fine with that.

Clothes are tearing under candy corn claws and you still can’t be bothered to care. It would have been a pain in the ass to try to get your shirt over your new horns anyway and this is not the time for embarrassing how-do-you-troll shenanigans. This is the time for beating up certain pissy troll nooks with your dick.

You keep the top spot although it isn’t easy. Karkat is even more fearsome now that you’ve started kissing and you don’t think you’ve ever felt anything more arousing than his wrists flexing in your hands. He’s giving it everything he’s got to wreck your shit and if you slip even a little, he’s going to succeed. Violent sex really shouldn’t be this hot.

Although it can’t really be classified as sex yet since despite the tatters your shirts are in, your pants are intact and with both your hands and his hands busy you can’t change that. Nope, fuck it, desperate times and all.

You pull back from the kiss with one last bite to his lips, “Yo, calm your shit for a second Karkles, gotta get the pants off.”

He grits his teeth in this imitation of a smile and growls out a laugh and Jesus H Christ on a crutch you need a moment. His lips are bloodied and some of it has gotten smeared on his face, he looks wrecked but there’s still defiance hot in his eyes and you _want_ him to fight you more than anything.

You let go of his wrists and the fight begins anew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More weird troll shenanigans with Rose and John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright this chapter is filled with characters I've never written for so please excuse any discrepancies. AKA I know fuck all about Eridan and Fef's personalities besides what I've wikied. Other than that, enjoy!

 Dave: --> be John

You are now John and as such you are dutifully freaking out.

First of all, you’re a troll! That alone is weird but every time you move or twist or really anything, you’re reminded of it because your body really just doesn’t feel the same. It’s cool though! Even if it does take some getting used to.

You’re also hanging out with Equius and that’s also really weird. It’s not that he’s not usually nice to you because he is, he’s nice to everyone in a sort of distanced and condescending way, but now he’s suddenly talking to you like you’re…you don’t know, equals? You guess it’s probably because of your blood color, if you’ve got this whole rainbow thing all figured out, you two _are_ equal. In his mind at least.

But seriously its so weird. He’s been _smiling_! You don’t think you’ve ever seen all of his teeth before. They’re not as bad as you thought, the only one that’s mostly wrecked is the upper left fang. The others are just chipped a little but since they were supposed to be pointed it looks a lot worse than it would on a human.

So far he’s been pretty cool actually. He’s showing you how to control the monster STRENGTH you’ve got going on. A lot of it you already knew from keeping your _own_ disproportionate strength in check, but some of it is exclusive to your troll body.

“You will learn, it is far more effective and far less destructive to pick up most things with just your claws. They’re sharp but they also have a higher developed sense of pressure than do your fingers alone.” He says to you, demonstrating.

He’s so gentle the way he does things, it always surprises you. He’s almost dainty actually and you have to physically hold back the giggle that wants to spring to your lips like a well-aimed pogo hammer. Equius might be small, but he’s really muscular, dainty isn’t a thing he should be.

But he is, you’ve got to admit. With his thin, but incredibly well muscled physique and his gentle, careful movements. His long, waist length hair and frankly pretty face. He shouldn’t be pretty, but he is, all long eyelashes and rounded expressive eyes…

Whoa! This is getting a little too gay for you, haha. You’re not a homosexual and no pretty looking horse obsessed troll is going to change that. No Siree Bob, nope no way. Even if whenever he looks at you over his cracked glasses with those excited blue eyes that echo your own so closely, your heart skips a beat. Definitely and especially not then.

“Are you following along, John?” He asks.

Wow you don’t think you’ve ever heard him say your name before! It sure sounds nice! His voice is really deep and soft, like the kind of place you’d like to take a nap in. Even though that thought doesn’t make much sense since it’s a voice and all. But it’s really smooth too, effortless which is really a big contrast to the rest of him that’s nothing _but_ effort. You think, if he could learn to relax, all of him might be like that. That’s something you’d like to see.

He’s looking at you expectantly now and you realize you haven’t answered his question. Oops.

“Yeah! Uh, sorry, got lost in thought there for a second, haha! Um, yeah this is really helpful. There’s a lot I already do to keep from breaking things on accident you know? But this body is a little different so I’m glad you’re here to teach me how to use it!”

Oh. Oh my god. You’re a complete and total dumbass. It is you.

You honestly could not have phrased that last part worse if you’d been coached. Equius is turning this light blue that tells you he heard it too but is just too polite to call you on it, and you’re pretty sure you’re some shade of cerulean too. Wow who made talking so hard anyway?

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that at all. I didn’t think about it and I just blundered through like a freaking tornado in a trailer park and wow I’m just so sorry I wish I co—”

“It’s alright John.” He cuts you off and thank god for that. Who knows what you might’ve said? You’ve picked up that rambling problem Dave has, “Think nothing of it. Even the classiest of gentlemen have a faux pau every once in a while.”

Yeah, but usually classy gentlemen aren’t distracted by their male companion’s pretty blue eyes.

No, no John you see, that’s super homo. You are the worst straight person ever wow.

You checked yourself out earlier when you took a bathroom break. It took you ten minutes to figure out how to go to begin with and you discovered that unlike most humans, trolls have both. So really any troll on troll relationship is technically a homosexual relationship. So if everyone is homosexual doesn’t that counter it out and bring it back around to being straight again? Like a Mobius double reach around of sexuality? You think it totally does. But being a true scientist, you’re obligated to test that theory.

“Hey, uh Equius?” You ask nervously, “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Hm?” He glances up at you over his glasses again and man his eyelashes are like butterfly wings! Maybe that’s why he wears those shades, to keep people from getting lost in his eyes all the time.

“Can I… can I kiss you?” Your voice is a squeak. You’re so glad Dave isn’t here, you’d never live that down.

He seems stunned for a moment and op, yeah, here comes the word vomit, everyone take cover!

“It’s just that I don’t think sexuality is the same for trolls as it is for humans because I’m not a homosexual but I think you’re really attractive, pretty even, so I guess I wanted to, I don’t know, conduct an experiment of—”

He cuts you off again but instead of words, this time it’s his mouth stopping up the flow and oh wow yeah that’s nice.

His lips are softer than you’d expect and really smooth. You’re the same temperature so he doesn’t feel too hot or too cold and it’s actually really pleasant. He’s doing this thing with his tongue where he’s like licking at your lower lip but not like he wants in just little kitten licks and wow you think you can feel your pulse _everywhere._ Was kissing always like this? Is this a troll thing too? You should really shut up and keep kissing Equius.

But then he’s pulling away and no no no you’re not done yet come back. You barely have enough dignity not to make grabby hands.

“Do you have a conclusive result?” His voice is softer than before and yeah that’s a shiver going down your spine.

“I’m, ha, I’m not sure. One experiment doesn’t prove anything.” You give a little devious smile, trying not to let your mind catch up to you.

He smiles wider than before and you think you can understand why trolls call their brand of affection pity for the first time. All the little weaknesses in him, things you’ve never really paid much attention to before, are catching your eye now and it makes you want to take care of him a little. But in a sexy way. Oh my god what even does that mean? You know what, fuck it, you can think about it later during the night you’re sure to spend staring at the ceiling.

“Well, I would be most obliged to provide you with any additional data you might need.” He says while one eyebrow makes for his hairline. His flirting is so not flirty at all and you can’t help but smile back at him.

“That sounds like a plan.”

 

John --> Be Jade.

Jade --> Be Busy as HECK

>Be Rose instead

 

You are Rose and you’re also about ready to snap the troll in front of you in half and burn the pieces. You’ve never been more thankful to have studied Dave’s non-expressions so thoroughly because that knowledge, and subsequent ability to replicate it, is coming quite in handy right now.

Eridan has found you. Not five minutes after Jade and Dave bolted to do things with excuses which hung flimsy as cheap tattered booksleeves hanging from worn novels, he found you.

You _cannot stand him._ Everything from his posture to the very way he holds his jaw when he speaks is distasteful to you. It looks as though he’s going to cry after each syllable and yet he speaks with a cadence of such self-assuredness and the contradiction quite frankly _pisses you the hell off._  

“So Lalonde, you ranked a seadwweller.” He’s saying, “Not bad I guess.”

You want to put your horns through his eyes and shake your head around like a tweaker at a metal concert. You’re not sure where that metaphor came from but it’s completely apt.

“I suppose being a shade higher than you isn’t a bad thing at all.” You say and you’re incredibly pleased that your smile is now full of razors, “Though I would think you’d be more discouraged to speak with me. Especially so candidly.”

His eyes narrow at you and you can see him trying to work through the insult that’s buried in your words. Come on Eri, you’re not quite as dumb as you look surprisingly, you can figure it out.

“And why would I ignore you? With so few seadwellers left, I can’t really afford to can I?” He’s smiling and it is the most vulgar thing you’ve ever witnessed and you’ve been inside of the men’s lavatory, “If we’re ever to rebalance the troll population, can’t just go cuttin’ off options.”

You aren’t particularly prone to waves of excessive rage. Actually you’re likely the most level headed of all your group when it comes to that type of thing. So the fact that this disgusting heap of flesh and wasted space has you seeing red would be rather impressive if you were of a mind to appreciate it.

Instead, your fist is hurdling into his jaw.

The crunch you feel as it connects is the very most satisfying thing you think you’ve ever known. But then he screams and you stand corrected.

“The hell Lalonde?!” He shrieks.

“You know exactly why, Ampora.” You snarl, “You are the single most revolting, nauseating, and infuriating being I can possibly imagine. The mere thought of you causes my gag reflex to work double time, and seeing you? I’m frankly astounded I have yet to vomit. If I see you again, I _will_ disembowel you, species endangerment or not. Leave my sight this very instant.”

He looks stunned. It’s the first time you’ve seen an expression on his face that isn’t arrogance or sniveling self-pity. It sends a vicious thrill through your belly and you find there’s a growl waiting to be released at the back of your throat. It’s strange, entirely different to what your reaction might’ve been as a human. It’s not hard to understand what your body is telling you, but nonetheless you intend to steadfastly ignore it.

He blinks and opens his mouth but you cut him off before he’s even taken a breath.

“Do not.” You narrow your eyes, “If you value your life in the least you will keep that heinous thought to yourself. I’d sooner take Gamzee.”

He frowns but words are coming out of his mouth despite your clear warning.

“But you feel it don’t you?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I feel it.”  He says, taking a step closer to you. You hold your ground.

“Eridan I am warning you. Drop. It.”

He takes another ill advised step closer and you can suddenly feel heat and anger pulsing through your skull in equal amounts. At this rate you may actually kill him. You don’t want a companion’s blood on your hands if you can help it, even if it’s his, but it’s starting to feel less and less voluntary. Troll instincts are incredibly strong and emotion is not something you’re entirely accustomed to truly dealing with.

“Rose,” Your name in his mouth is like acid being poured into your ear, “Do you hate me?”

“More than I have the capacity to describe.” The words are more growl than voice and you can actually see red filling in the edges of your vision.

A smile flicks across his lips but it’s gone in an instant and a good thing too. You just imagined sinking your claws into his tongue and pulling until something gave.

“I hate you too.” He whispers, “Very much.”

You wouldn’t have paired together Eridan and speed. In all honesty before this confrontation you generally didn’t let the little toad take up much space in your thoughts at all. But if you had bothered, you still wouldn’t have linked the two things together. But he _is_ fast, fast enough to take that last step forward and crash his lips into yours before your claws could gouge out his eyes.

You cannot possibly liken being kissed by Eridan to anything because despite all the awful things you’ve lived through, there is simply nothing worse. Rational thought is a thing of the past and all you are is instinct and your instincts are still set to kill.

Later when they ask you what happened, you won’t be able to tell them. All you’ll remember is red and bright purple and rage so hot you felt like you’d been set on fire. You’ll remember Feferi’s terrified face an inch from your’s telling you to shoosh, and you’ll remember Eridan screaming but nothing else.

“Rose, Rose honey it’s okay.” Feferi’s sweet voice croons to you with that odd accent of her’s.

“Wha—” You frown, eyes straining to focus.

Your body feels heavy and your muscles are very sore. Your eyes don’t want to focus and something wet is dripping from your hands and forearms. You think you might be shaking but it also might just be Feferi who is definitely shaking. Your head is all foggy, your ears are ringing and you’re fairly sure you can hear Eridan crying. That part is nice but everything else is incredibly disorienting.

“Shoosh.” Feferi coos and the word echoes through your whole body, making you shutter and your heartrate noticeably slow, “Don’t worry about it. He’s alive, he’ll be fine.”

You push yourself up with difficulty and force yourself to actually take in the scene around you.

You are covered up to your elbows in violet blood. There are a few scratches on your own arms that are leaking a similar color, but hardly any of it is actually yours. Eridan is lying in a heap about two feet away, moaning miserably and pale as you’ve ever seen a troll get. He’s covered in deep cuts and gashes like something wild tried to maul him. Which, you suppose is not inaccurate despite the wild thing being yourself. You’d be pleased if you weren’t horrified.

“What happened?” You ask, focusing your eyes on Feferi’s.

She’s also got a couple smaller cuts, but they aren’t half as deep as her ex-moirail’s. That, you feel exceedingly guilty for.

“I’m not entirely shore.”  Feferi shrugs, her shoulders shaking ever so slightly as she does, “When I got here, you were trying to kill Eri. You might have if I didn’t shoosh pap you. Sorry, by the wave for that, but I thought you might not reely want to kill him.”

You frown, “No, no I wouldn’t. Thank you, though I apologize for putting you in such an awkward position. I think I know what happened now."

Feferi inclines her head, her fins perking up curiously. She resembles a baby seal like that, all wide eyes and smooth grey skin. It's sort of cute.

“He kissed me.” You say emotionlessly, “Mistakenly he took genuine aggression as a black advance.”

The troll princess groans and smacks the heel of her hand into her forehead, slowly sliding the appendage down her face in a blatant show of exasperation.

“Oh whale no wonder.” She shakes her head, “Even if you’d been born a troll, a pair like you two would need an Auspitice for shore. But with you being new and all, goodness that’s just dumb. He should know better.”

“Regardless, I very much appreciate your intervention. I would have disliked being a murderer.”

Feferi’s face abruptly changed from mild irritation to something you could really only describe as pity. Her entire face scrunched up, making her look rather human which is not something you’d seen out of the other trolls. Almost as abruptly she’s hugging you.

“Humans are so cute.” She squeals, “So so cute.”

You’re stiff as a board, entirely unsure of what to do. On one hand, having her hug you is the least jarring part of your day so far. Actually it’s odd, you’re finding it sort of pacifying though you weren’t aware you were in need of further pacifying. Really you might just be inclined to curl up against her and stop thinking for a while.

“Feferi?” You ask.

“Yeeeees?” She replies.

“May I stay here a moment?” You gesture to your current positioning.

There are razor teeth against your throat, a smile you cannot see. Your mind tells you that should be incredibly unsettling but your body refuses to respond with even a twinge of fear. If she wanted to she could kill you and you doubt you’d really even fight her.

“Of course.” She replies almost sing-song, “Stay as long as you like.”

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Was it a good thing? I'm sorry but simultaneously incredibly not sorry about Dave. I couldn't help myself. And this is fanfiction, if I can't bend the rules here I can't bend them anywhere.


End file.
